37 Things I Know

Photo belongs to the author who was drinking her second martini on her birthday. I told you that I follow these MOST of the time.

After reading Mari Andrew’s 100 things I know and doing some reflecting on the past 36 years of humaning, I was inspired to share some things I know. To be clear, by “things I know” I really mean “things that I have learned from life experience, therapy, friends, podcasts, Instagram, teachers, my parents, random strangers…that I remember most of the time and follow most of the time.” Some of these knowings are emotional and deep. Others are light and fun. One of my biggest most recent lessons: I can be all of those things. I can be a deeply feeling person AND someone who appreciates levity and laughter. Life is pretty cool.

1. I know that I don’t always have to be working on myself. When I moved this past year, I realized that the number of books that I’ve collected through the years could probably fill the majority of the Self Improvement section at Barnes & Noble. I hung on to a couple, passed on a few that I considered game changers, and then the rest are sitting in a bag in my car to be donated.
2. I know that when I bring the donation bag to the place immediately after putting it in the bag, it won’t sit in my car for months.
3. I know that reading fiction is fun. To add to #1, getting lost in the lives of fictional characters in a book gives your over analytical mind a moment of reprieve.
4. I know that one martini is enough.
5. I know that when I forget #4, the first sip of a fountain Diet Coke is a heavenly (albeit momentary) interruption during a hangover.
6. I know that walking outside is mind medicine.
7. I know that taking something back takes its power away and gives it back to you. To me, there are different kinds of nostalgia. There’s the kind that makes you feel warm inside and then the kind that brings you to a time that you want to delete from your memory. You know the restaurants, songs, musicians, seasons that bring you back to the latter version of nostalgia? Instead of pressing skip or taking a different route, grab your bestie or your best self and make a new memory. I can’t take credit for this one and it comes with a little story. There was an artist who I loved but whose music was a part of a soundtrack of memories that I was sick of playing on repeat. It was in the earlier days of my time living with Jilianne (my soulmate in friend form). I told her that there was an upcoming concert I wanted to go to, but that the nostalgia was too hard. Her response was, “Let’s take back the music.” We bought the final two tickets (hello, Universe!) and made a new memory. After the show, we didn’t want the night to end even though it was a Sunday. We ended up being the only two people sitting at Publico, the bar across from our apartment. That bar soon became a place where we all too often forgot about the thing I know about martinis. It’s where we created our own little Southie family, which included the amazing staff. Jilly says “no one else should own the things you love,” and she’s always right.
8. I know that a grilled English muffin is far superior to any other toast at a breakfast place.
9. I know to avoid saying the first obvious thing that I notice about a person. This was a tidbit from the We Can Do Hard Things episode “How to not be an A-Hole”. When we meet someone for the first time or we’re in the company of someone we don’t know very well, it’s tempting to comment on things like their height, sunburn, accent. But skip that one, and move to your second comment or question. Chances are, they’re tired of being asked if they played basketball, wore sunblock, or if they’re from Ireland or England.
10. I know that in most situations, it’s better to let the other person lead when it comes to talking about the “next step” in their life. This knowing must always be followed when it comes to the topic of pregnancy and parenthood.
11. I know that adding “just” when I’m making a request dilutes the strength of said request.
12. I know that I’ll always say yes when my niece and nephews ask me to go in the ocean when we’re at the beach. No matter how cold the water is, no matter how good my book is, no matter how tired I am- it will be a yes.
13. I know that my girlfriends are the best gifts in my life. I have so many women in my life who just get it. No matter what the feeling, question, situation is…they just get it. Talking to them feels like the most cleansing exhale.
14. I know that putting the little divider on the grocery belt after I’ve loaded all of my groceries feels like a symbol for the way we should treat strangers. My parents’ actions always showed that they respected “the next guy” in the little every day things that they did. Someday when my own kids see me doing things like that, I’ll tell them that’s from their Mimi and Pa.
15. I know that leaving my phone in an unreachable place helps me sleep better.
16. I know that using Mel Robbins’ 5 second rule helps me do the things I know I should do but don’t really want to do. In her podcast episode, Motivation is Garbage, Mel talks about the scientific evidence behind counting backwards from 5 as a way to get shit done.
17. I know to stop at lemonade stands and to give $10 no matter what they’re charging. Most of them take Venmo now.
18. I know that asking for some time before deciding prevents me from defaulting to my people pleasing part for decision making.
19. I know that acceptance is the antidote to resistance. I spent years of my life in this internal battle of what I thought my life was going to be and what it was. And you know what that led to? Resisting the ability to fully see the beauty that was my present life. Radical acceptance breeds freedom.
20. I know that a High Yield Savings Account is a great place to start a personal finance journey. I started this one later in life than I probably should have, but it’s okay, as explained in #37.
21. I know that a regulated nervous system is the key to conflict resolution. I have worked very hard on this one in the past year. I’ve learned that many conflicts aren’t really about the thing. Many of them aren’t really about the other person. Lots of times, it’s a younger version of ourselves fighting to be understood. Learning how to take care of younger you will help present day you. Take a walk before you talk.
22. I know that my parents are human. This means that they were figuring it out as they went just like I am. Which means that they messed up just like I do. Which means that they are worthy of compassion, respect, and forgiveness. Just like I am.
23. I know that there is a direct correlation between the food I eat and the way I feel mentally.
24. I know that pizza crust is best dipped in ranch dressing. Might be a contradiction to #23, but, balance.
25. I know that a few winter days in Vermont can feel just as magical as a week long all inclusive tropical vacation when you’re with your person.
26. I know that TSA pre-check eases airport anxiety.
27. I know that our “stuff” is stored in our bodies. Whether it’s anxiety, past trauma or unmet needs…we all have stuff. And it lives in our physical bodies. You can’t think or talk your way through this stuff. You have to feel it, process it, and move it through. Shoutout to my therapist, EMDR, and spin class for this one.
28. I know that age really is just a number.
29. Speaking of age, I know that having friends of different ages is invaluable. I have close friends who are 10 — 20 years my senior and 10 years my junior. I am lucky enough to learn from the wisdom of my older-than-I-am friends, and pass my wisdom on to my younger friends.
30. I know that I will never commiserate with the entitled person who gives me the “can you believe this person?” look in situations where “this person” is doing their best. I was in line in the grocery store once and the cashier asked for a manager to help a customer with a coupon. The person behind said customer and in front of me looked at me and rolled their eyes at the coupon situation. I smiled and said, “I don’t mind waiting, really hope they get their discount!”
31. I know that it’s okay to take my time putting my carry on into the overhead bin.
32. I know that I never know what someone else is going through. I went to a workshop on understanding students who have experienced trauma where the facilitator talked about students’ invisible suitcases. This doesn’t just apply to kids; we all have one we’re dragging around. Some are light carry ons, while others require many hands to carry. Either way, our interactions with each other hold power to make the suitcase a little lighter or a little heavier.
33. I know that poppy seeds get stuck in my teeth, but I’ll never stop using everything bagel seasoning.
34. I know that children are way more aware of the world and each other than they get credit for. We can learn so much from them if we give them the space to share. And if we listen.
35. I know that the “right” thing is the thing that’s yours. The “right” person is the one you choose. The “right” timeline is the one you’re on. The “right” pace is the one at which you’re moving.
36. I know that I am choosing the right person for me. I know because we choose each other every day, in small moments and in big ones. I know because he’s someone I want to learn about love and life with. I know because he’s the kind of person who got me roses the night before my birthday so I’d “wake up to flowers,” did a million thoughtful things in between, and then came home with another bouquet of flowers after work that he deemed my “afternoon daisies.” I know, and it’s not because “I just knew” the second we met or that he rescued me in the way that Disney movies told me someone would. I know because we are two separate people who work on ourselves, love each other, and choose each other in moments of ease and in moments of challenge.
37. I know that it’s never too late. I know it’s the truest truth when the tears well up as I type. It’s never too late to: find love. say I’m sorry. say hi. say thank you. say I’ve been thinking of you. start taking care of yourself financially, physically, mentally. ask them how to correctly pronounce their name. text back. start a new hobby. make new friends. reach out to old friends. heal. ask for help.

It’s never too late to get to know yourself.

It’s never too late to love yourself.

It’s never too late to trust yourself .

Into Big Feelings? Or maybe you prefer to dabble in smaller ones (I’m here for ALL OF ’EM) Follow me and subscribe here on Medium.